Creating Boundaries
Creating Boundaries
Creating boundaries was not something I did well most of my life. Surprisingly, I wasn’t even aware of this fact or that it was such a huge problem.
Boundary: A real or imagined line that marks the edge or limit of something.
Most of my life I didn’t draw any boundary lines with people. Looking back, I think there were many reasons. One being a genuine desire to connect with others. A strong fear of rejection. Another being that as an extravert I get my energy from people. And also I thought by always giving and not expecting something in return I was being like Jesus.
Now let me say: I think being like Jesus is a great thing! He set an example for living that truly exemplifies character traits I imagine most everyone would say are “good”, whether one is a Christian or not. However, one of the things that seems less clear when studying the Bible, or maybe more challenging to uncover, is how much do you give to someone? Is it endless? Even if they treat you badly? Or don’t return in kind? What should this look like?
In late 2013, I embarked on a discovery to uncover: What do healthy boundaries look like. I had recently gone through an extremely bad breakup that, if I had boundaries in place, would have never happened. And if I’m honest, this breakup also shed light on the fact that the relationship resembled the dynamic I had in my former marriage. After my divorce, I learned in Divorce Care that almost 90% of 2nd marriages fail. I think this is due to the fact that, without time spent healing, we gravitate towards similar types of people. That’s what I did. I chose to date someone that "felt comfortable”. On the outside, this person looked like the opposite of my ex, but in fact he was very very similar. This caused me to take a hard look at myself because I knew…I was the only common denominator. There was no getting around it. No fingers to point. No one else to blame. I had to look at myself clearly in the mirror and take responsibility.
My therapist and I began to dive into what boundaries look like. Essentially, they are trust built over time and exist on a continuum. Because I had lived a life without boundaries, I didn’t even know what they looked or felt like! My therapist drew me a picture of this continuum, several times in fact, in order to give me a visual of what to strive for.
I took some time to think about what I was learning and decided to put a method in place that would help me know how to respond appropriately to others and stop over-giving. I began paying attention to others actions and responses towards me and I would mirror these. Over time, I began to learn what a mutual relationship actually looks like. Now this comes pretty naturally. I don’t need to think much about it anymore. It’s amazing what dedicated practice can do!
The next step in my journey, the one I’ve been working on over the last few years, is learning how to stand up for myself. This has been extremely hard to do. Painfully hard. I don’t like conflict. And in fact will 100% avoid the elephant in the room if it means I don’t have to confront someone or provide constructive feedback.
For example, a man would make an inappropriate comment. I’d be frozen in fear to say anything. Someone would talk down to me or be aggressively harsh. And I would just allow it. Now did these things happen all the time? Of course not. But they stand out in my memory so significantly because I didn’t take any action on my behalf. I knew, internally, this was a bad choice.
Finally, at some point, I decided I was going to have to FORCE myself to take action. No matter how uncomfortable it was. I remember the very first time someone was behaving badly towards me after making this decision. It was at work, which caused additional anxiety as I knew I needed to confront the behavior, but also maintain a good working relationship with the individual. Very complicated!
I used the Apple method of giving feedback that I had learned several years before: Behavior and Impact. Explain the problematic behavior and then provide the negative impact. It’s not about the person. It’s not about my anger. It’s a focus on the behavior which is neutral and removes the emotion from the situation. So I did it that first time and…surprisingly, the worst I had imagined didn’t happen! The fella stopped what he was doing. Boy was it hard, but I did it!
Since that time, I’ve been given a few other opportunities to provide constructive feedback. My heart was pounding. I was dreading it. But I did it. And you know what? It felt good on the other side. It felt like: I have worth and I’m going to ask to be treated as such. We can disagree. You can not like me. But please treat me with worth.
The Bible says we are Image Bearers being created in the image of the Great Creator of the Universe. Dr. Jordan B. Peterson describes this worth as: The spark of Divinity in each human. You have a spark of the Divine in you! As do all humans. We should treat all people with this deep respect and we should ALSO treat ourselves with this deep respect. I would even go so far as to say: If you cannot love yourself enough to treat yourself as someone who is worthy and deserving of respect, you may not have success in treating others that way. It starts internally and then can flow out to the rest of the world.
An update on where I am today with boundaries: I’m still not good at constructive feedback. There are still times when I run from conflict, but as I am practicing taking action I’m getting better and better. Ultimately, I’ve determined I won’t be a victim. I won’t be silent and then harbor resentment because I’ve allowed others to behave badly towards me. Just like I’d take a stand for someone else, I’m going to take a stand for myself. And while taking that stand, I’ll work very hard to also treat the other person with worth since they too have the Spark of Divinity in them!
Maybe something I’ve said has resonated with you. If so, I hope I’ve provided some hope that we are all in this together with our struggles, issues, and eventual victories! And together we can keep taking our next small steps to a better me; a better you; and a better world!
Hope your New Year has had a Happy start!
Shelley
“I will not allow fear to dictate my destiny!”